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nothing new just more of the same [Feb. 24th, 2006|08:34 am]
[music |Not an Addict-K's Choice]

Ok ok so the end of bitch job 2006 is coming to an end I think I'm going to try and make the ending date April 10th or something like that. Omaha is right around the corner and I'm looking forward to going back with the birds and wow living on my own again. This is a really lonely time in my life right now, I'm not going to lie. Doug is going into the navy, brian is away at med school and about to enter married land, jacob's been gone for some time also in married land, catherine's far away, and my love life is absent or dead whichever works. So yeah it's mostly just me and teddy spending nights watching bad tv or rereading books I've read 9 times already, really depressing. I hate winter, I hate Illinois, I hate waiting.
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reminders from a preacher [Jan. 17th, 2006|05:42 pm]
[music |Out of this World-Bush]

I realized why I can't get into my parents church...ok so besides the constant feeling that it's way too happy clappy it hit me on sunday as I was sitting there listening to the pastor. Two years ago I went through a terrible shame that I am only thankful was nothing more then it was. I didn't know where to go I went to the only pastoral person I knew of to talk things out and try to figure out what the best thing would be. In his kindest pastoral way it ended terribly and made me feel worse and like it had been all my fault. So as I'm sitting there during the service I'm reliving that day over and over again, something I haven't thought about for a long time. My heart was even beating faster as I remember pushing him away and slamming the door and leaning against it praying he wouldn't come back in. I never want to feel like that again and I don't want to be around a place that brings that back so vividly.
"So we move
We change by the speed of the choices that we make
And the barriers are all self-made"
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"I need more cowbell" [Jan. 13th, 2006|12:50 pm]
[music |James Blunt-You're Beautiful]

I'm listening to the latest of my dorky downloads (thank god for russian mp3 sites). Right now it's little sister by queens of the stoneage and in the background you can hear the continuous tapping of a cowbell and I love that. Who knew a cowbell could have that power? Hours have been cut and I'm sending out job resumes to places that probably don't give a damn. Just when things seem to be fitting and making sense with just taking a leap back in there's all this new passion that's reminding me that sometimes it's more advertuous to turn around and back away cuz you might have missed something while you were busy trying to have everyone else be damned. The playlist just put on james blunt thank god for that english dude, I wish he and jack black would please be my boyfriend.
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Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell [Dec. 12th, 2005|09:16 am]
I make mistakes and make the same ones some more but it's only because I believe things can be better and should be better that God can make things beautiful but maybe I confuse what I want with how God makes them in his own time. The relationship is back up on the table and I guess it never went away but I need to figure it out for real it's time to quit dicking around and start being a grown up and not just letting life float through me and start attacking it. So what's the answer today?
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Target goal zones [Dec. 6th, 2005|09:54 am]
Ok so I don't hate my job I just hate Karen and basically dislike my job. I know it's just temporary and I can comfort myself that I don't work at some place like mcdonalds where there are homemade motivational posters that give targets of how many seconds the customer should have by the time they pull up to the drive up window to when they get their food. I felt like apologizing...it's ok if you make me wait 90 seconds as opposed to 70 seconds.
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She lies and says she's in love with him [Nov. 10th, 2005|09:33 pm]
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[music |Can't find a Better Man- Pearl Jam]

I've been feeling loserish lately. I like my job (minus Karen) and I'm happy with the home situation but compared to others I feel so unaccomplished. I feel like I don't have a "real" job and I'm just dicking around living at my parents house. I want to have my own place, be making a real salary, do something important with myself...have a better title then just receptionist.
If I could pick right now I'd be off in Sioux Falls living with Kris being a veterinary technician. And then reality sets in I have to go to school for that, I have to have money to go to school, I have to have a job to have money, I need money to move, I need a job to have money, I need more money, I need more money, I need more money...I need a better job to have more money, I need to go to school to have a better job, I need money to go to school. I just feel so directionless and I want to know what's going to happen I want to have plans and know that I'm moving towards something and not standing still....but that's all I am just stuck in every part of myself.
In a totally different subject every time I turn on the radio it's "Can't find a better man" by Pearl Jam and I just think does everything have to be so ironic all the time. "That's why she'll be back again, can't find a better man."
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"I am the Luckiest" [Oct. 11th, 2005|08:06 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Real World in the Background]

Ok so this whole journal thing has been pretty lame. I get so scared of people reading and thinking I'm a bitch or being pissed if they see themselves in something I say. I just wanna be "nice" all the time and I can't stand not being the big person. But my words don't say anything anymore and I've turned into an emotionless paper doll. Ok so my old website was a little mellodramatic but at least it wasn't hiding. For the past year I've been lied to about everything from someone who was supposed to be the closest person in my life and I sat there and took it, ignored it, encouraged it, and ate it up, that's classy Liel real classy and what kills me is I still can't let it go whether its just the friendship or maybe a hug or two I can't let it go. And someone pointed out that I'm on the rebound well of course I am I just want something normal I don't think that should be so hard but I spose it has to be because nothing I do is ever straightforward.
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Bye bye good bye I tried [Oct. 8th, 2005|08:25 pm]
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |Landed by Ben Folds]

And that's all I gotta say about that.
I need to get my puppy...all his things are here and ready to go. I even found one of the old baby blankets...it is yellow with ducks and turtles on it. It now is sitting nicely in Teddy's bed waiting for him to come home. Work is work and people and their cats are irratating. When teddy gets bigger I think it'll be time to move.

good things
little puppy sweaters

bad things
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"it's you're welcome, NOT no problem" [Sep. 23rd, 2005|06:52 pm]
[mood |gloomygloomy]
[music |Motorolla Cell Phone Doo Doo Do Do Do Do Dop]

Ok so the goat's the site's mascot I get it. Work continues to tighten its screws around me and all that's left now is a moment of uncomfortable silence in which I KNOW she's gonna say something I already know and I'll respond in the same silence of "ok". The job interview today was good, it's twenty bucks less a week but I think it's probably worth it. I have had three dreams this month involving Hillary Duff (maybe I have a secret crush, gross). I also have dreams of boys in silky pirate shirts someone will tell me it's all about my mother or my libedo or some childhood fear...I prefer to say it is all of the above.
Things I want
the kid next to me to turn off his phone
a job that I'll like
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My psychic told me she'll have an ass like Serena [Sep. 20th, 2005|07:37 pm]
[mood |sleepysleepy]
[music |Gold Digger Kanye West]

Ok so I'm wondering why the katrina relief icon for this site is a goat. There's nothing wrong with goats it just seems comical and that's probably not what they're going for. I got really sentimental in the car driving home tonight listening to Bebo Norman, I think it's cuz I missed my nap today. (I NEED MY NAP!!!) Anyway so he's singing this corny wedding song and the line was "the God of second chances picked her up and let her dance through a world that is not kind" and I teared up right there in the car, just thinking oh golly it's so true pretty soon I'm just gonna bawl thinking of little Hillary Duff singing "people all around you they don't really know you, so wake up wake up on a saturday night could be New York maybe Hollywood and Vine" how true those words ring. I've got another job interview on Friday for hopefully a job I'll like much better than this receptionist gig I've got going on. Sometimes my face hurts from being so suggggary sweet and smiley.
Happy Things
Puppy!!! (Sunday!!)

Sad Things
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